Home

I am writing this as my car speeds through a thick fog on our way to Multan from Islamabad via Faisalabad. I don’t even think we should be travelling this fast in this fog, but I couldn’t give a shit to be honest. Its 12:13am and I just want my bed. Or any bed for that matter, as I said, I don’t care. Also, I just saw the last episode of Sherlock, my mind is too muddled to think straight.

Since starting my university, the idea of “Home” has taken a new shape for me. Before, “Home” was in Faisalabad. All my friends were just a call away there. My room had purple coloured walls, one a bit darker with a design on it. My brother suggested against it when it was getting painted, said it would look shit after a while, he was right. My room has 2 beds in it. Originally it was for my sister and my brother. Classic story of hand me down things for the youngest child. I can go on and on about every little detail about my room but I wouldn’t cause you wouldn’t be interested. Also because it’s boring. The only reason I’m writing this is to make things less boring in this car. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, Home.

“Shaheeno ka shehar Sargodah” says the truck in front of me. Don’t know if it’s true or not, somebody from Sargodah please direct me. Getting off topic again, sorry. So, after starting LUMS, my father got appointed at Multan and since then we have been playing this delightful game of ping pong between Faisalabad and Multan with a hint of Islamabad and Lahore in between. I might be giving you an impression that I’m complaining. I am not complaining. As I sit in this car, catching my laptop midair after every minute or so because we are travelling a bit too fast and this road is bad to say the least, I’ve realized something.  Home is everywhere. It’s in this car, with my parents. It’s at LUMS, with all my friends. It’s at Faisalabad, it’s where ever I want it to be.

Update: We are stuck behind a truck now.

“Home is where I wanted to go” yearns Chris Martin in one of Coldplay’s most iconic song, Clocks. What if, he was already home? What if, he never understood the meaning of “Home”? Home doesn’t have a solid state, it’s not a human construct. Home is peace of mind. You might reach home at a side of a busy road eating gol gappas with a bunch of friends or you might reach home in the middle of nowhere, just you and your thoughts. It doesn’t matter where you are until and unless you are at peace. If you are at peace then you are at home.

You might be thinking “What a load of bullshit”. You might be right. But do I care? The answer is no. I do not care about your definition of home because in my own mind I have found home. I have found it in this wobbly car, I have found it at LUMS, I have found it in my purple coloured room and I have found it at Multan.  Home is wherever I want it to be and by God is that a liberating feeling.

Time to go now, it’s 12:59am, my eyes are getting tired and my back is killing me. Think I’ll just sleep. Remember, this was written by a very tired and bored person who was least interested in filters or flow or story or anything that you associate with a good blog post so please, don’t judge.

I don’t know.

All my life I have been sure, I had goals, I had ambition and I had a vision about where I saw myself in next 4 to 5 years. However, all that planing ended at university level. I never planned ahead of university, apart from some whimsical dreams.Thus, here I stand, stranded on an Island, not sure which way to go.

Starting university did something to me that I never thought would happen to me. It made me unsure. It made me second guess my choices and made me question my own self. Am I really a science person? What if I like business? History? Literature? I don’t know, I’ve never been anyone else other than a science person. What about people? Do I take offence in what someone says or do I brush it off because his/her opinion doesn’t really matter to me?

In such an environment, rather than going crazy while looking for answers to so many questions, I decided to stop. I stopped caring and worrying. In short, I stopped giving a fuck. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know.  From a person who always knew and planned, to a person who doesn’t really care, I have made quite a big jump.

There are many things that I don’t know. All I do know,however, is that life always finds its way. This is probably the first time I am confused about my life and what to do and what not to do but in all sincerity, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Right now I am in love with this  confusion and uncertainty. Where would life take me? I don’t know but I sure am excited to find out.

P.S You might be thinking, what’s the point of this blog post? These are late night 2 am thoughts that I had and decided to write them down rather than studying for mechanics. I am pretty sure that this might seem like some random gibberish to some people but that’s okay because at the moment my thoughts do feel like gibberish.

Life Of A Chronic Pessimist

I have been a pessimist all my life.When I was born, I didn’t cry because I was cold or because all the lights and noises caused a sensory overload. I cried because I was already contemplating death and the long, terrible life I had to live through to get to my final slumber. In fact, I am pretty sure that by the age of 5 I was mentally preparing myself to burn in hell for eternity.

However, us pessimist are wildly misunderstood in the society. We are regarded as downers, party poopers etc. Even though our habit of dwelling in the darkness is quite apparent, pessimists are complicated creatures who need intensive studies and researches to be fully understood and appreciated by their “happier” peers. In this blog post, I’ll try to showcase the wroking of a pessimist’s mind to the world and hopefully, by the end of it you’ll be able to understand your “not so happy” friends a bit better.

1. We can never “live in the moment”

Pessimists are always thinking about the worst. No matter if we are at a party, a wedding, or any occasion that normal people consider joyful, we’ll be waiting for the worst thing to happen. Do NOT tell us to chill out because it is something that we are physically and mentally incapable of doing. While you dance to the beats of “Sheela ki Jawani” on your sister’s wedding, I’m gonna be watching that chandelier above you, waiting for it to come crashing down and crush you. Dark? Yes. Twisted? Yes. Plausible? A definite yes.

2. We are always ready

When the fear of a zombie apocalypse constantly looms over your head, you are bound to end up building a safety bunker. There is a reason why all of you run to your pessimist friend to save the day when all hell break loose because you know that he/she would have a trick up their sleeves to save the day. We anticipate the worst and we come prepared for the worst.

3. We are never disappointed

Expectations lead to disappointments. Pessimists neither expect nor are disapointed.

4. Pure happiness is a feeling very rare to us

This is something I realised when I got my O level result. It was a near perfect result (no intention of bragging) but as my classmates celebrated, all I felt was….”meh”. This was because I was already fussing about my A level.Pessimists find the worst in every situation so it should not come as a surprise that we are not the celebratory types.

5. Optimists are not better than Pessimists or vise versa

Optimists are usually considered as people who revolutionize the world but what ya’ll forgetting is that it was the lifeboats that saved thousands of lives when titanic sank. Who could have thought about lifeboats other than a pessimist? Optimists go around stirring trouble and in the end pessimist have to clean their mess. In short, the world needs both of these minds to survive.

6. We are not miserable

Our world perception might be different but that does not mean that we hate life, or living in general. You might only see stars in a beautiful starry night and we might see burning masses of fire on brink of death but that does not mean that we can’t appreciate the beauty of it. We just have two ways of looking at the world around us.

7. Last but not the least: We do know how to party

No we are not the killjoys or party poopers that you perceive us to be. When in mood, we will blow the freaking roof off while dancing our hearts out but before blowing the roof off, we’ll make sure that everyone has a helmet on.

What I learned in my 15 years of school life

Hello world! Another blog post without a month’s gap? Wow I’m on fire!

Since I’ll be bidding farewell to my school life soon, I thought it would be a good idea to summarize what I learned during my 15 years in this institute of knowledge. By “learned”, I do not mean Pythagoras theorem or Quantum physics, in fact I’ll be listing the cold hard truths that I learned in each grade and my perception of my surroundings at the given time. Some are based on personal experiences and some are just general facts. So here is my list. Enjoy!

.Nursery to Kindergarten 

What I learned: If I shit or pee in my pants, a nice old lady will come to the rescue and wash me. However, this act of mine will be remembered by my class fellows for years to come.

.Class 1 and 2

What I learned: It is no longer acceptable to “go” in my pants. Use the toilet. Also, everyone is so nice and caring. I feel like the whole class is my best friend. *Cuddles*.

.Class 3

What I learned: Some teachers can be real douche. They will have no problem slapping you across the face in front of the whole class. Plus, boys are becoming hugely annoying day by day.

 .Class 4 to 5

What I learned: Grouping. Grouping. Grouping. There are 4 types of people in the class: nerds, warning letter recipients, those who study but fail anyway and those who pass without studying. I also learned that I hate boys.This hatred gives me the capacity to allow one of them to poke a pencil in my hand till it starts to bleed because I made a bet with him.

.Class 6

What I learned: Wow, A class comprising of only girls can feel weird. Who are these jokers from other sections? I miss my old class fellows. Go away I don’t wanna be your friend. What’s up with teachers? Chill out people, no need to tell us how many sections you teach.

.Class 7

What I learned: I learned that I can be real dumb sometimes  because EVERY.EMBARRASSING.MOMENT.HAPPENED.IN.THIS.CLASS. Probably the worst year of my school life. I wish to not discuss it further.

small tidbit: I received a warning letter in this class.

.Class 8

What I learned: The power of social media.This was the year in which Facebook and mobiles entered our lives (for majority). Oh those beautiful rumors, affairs and constant drama. This year taught me that everyone’s an idiot and craves attention. Sad losers.

.Class 9

What I learned: Shuffling again! New jokers in the class. O level officially starts and I learned that people can be highly obsessive about their studies. No need to memorize every word people, CIEs are still a year away.

.Class 10

What I learned:I can become fond of my class fellows. Plus I learned teachers can be highly prejudiced.

.Class 11

What I learned: An unbreakable bond can be formed with the people I barely knew a year before. Rest of the sections are filled with weirdos.My class and I collectively hate them.

.As Level

What I learned: People who I considered weirdos are not weird at all. They are just people I don’t understand.There will always be someone smarter than you in the class and its okay. Also, sometimes you have to be nice with people who you actually hate because you are trying to be diplomatic. This coupled with the new found freedom makes this grade a roller coaster ride.

.A2 Level

What I learned: To hell with being nice, it takes too much energy anyway. This is also the year I realized that everybody lies and is a two faced bitch. The only people I can trust are my 4-5 closest friends. I will no longer accept the bullshit that people throw at me because everyone needs to be reminded of his or her actual place.

All good things must come to an end. You might think that you are surrounded with weird personalities but the people who you actually trust and love will make your school life the most amazing time of your life. Cherish it while it lasts!

 

 

 

 

Mother’s Love…?

James sneered at his wife who scrambled on all fours in a desperate attempt to get away from him but was stuck in a corner.She turned around and saw him casually strolling towards her.With every step,James’s physique became more and more monstrous while hers became more and more trifling.Back against the wall,she begged to God that the walls absorb her,eat her entire existence so that she could escape her husband’s merciless onslaught.James got down on one knee,his face inches away from his whimpering wife.

                                               “Emily,Emily,Emily” James hissed.He pretended to examine the cut on Emily’s lip which she received moments ago from his slap while tenderly wiping away the tears from her cheek.”Darling, it wasn’t my fault” he sighed. “I come home,tired from all the bullshit happening at the office,wanting to have a nice hot meal prepared by my beautiful wife but what do I get?”.Suddenly he took a hold of her hair at her nape.He pressed on the cut on her lip with his thumb,sending ripples of agony down through her body.”HUH?WHAT DO I GET?!Some cold,disgusting soup?I’ve been so kind to you but time and time again you disappoint me”.He moved his head from side to side in utter disgust and disappointment.”You know what?I’ve had enough.Its time to teach you a lesson”.He stood up and strode across the lounge.Upon seeing where James was heading,Emily’s heart skipped a beat and she could feel the hair on her arms standing on their tips because of the horror that was about to befall upon her.

From a slight gap between the door, petrified eight years old Olivia James observed as her father  smacked her mother across the face.It was not the first time she had seen such a scene.She wanted to run towards her mother and escape to the safety of her imaginary land,away from the clutches of her evil father.However,she was well aware that her interfering would make it even worse for her mother so she tried to muffle the sound of her sobs by placing her hands on her mouth.In this struggle she never noticed her father coming towards her room.Out of the blue,the door flew open,throwing Olivia on the ground.She looked up and for a split second felt like she was staring at the eyes of the devil itself.But it was much worse than a devil,it was her father.He gripped her arm,sinking his nails in her soft skin and dragged her out of the room.

Emily watched in horror as James dragged their wailing daughter out of the room.He positioned her few feet away from Emily,unbuckled his belt and wrapped it around his hand,making it a nice and handy whip.Kneeling, he whispered in Olivia’s ear “Listen honey,whatever is about to happen is your mother’s fault.OK?Mommy loves you sooo much so i’ll punish you to punish her,alright?Just to make sure she does her duties as a wife next time. Don’t worry it’ll all be over in few minutes”.He turned to face Emily and said “Look at what you are making me do”.He returned his attention to Olivia and raised his hand while she stood there,paralyzed by fear.”NO!” Emily gave out a loud cry and darted towards her daughter.She reached her just in time to protect her from on coming strike of the belt.Instead of Olivia,it land on Emily’s back,ripping through her white gown and embedding itself in her flesh.James pulled it back and Emily roared in anguish but never for one second,did she let go of her daughter.Her body molded perfectly around Olivia’s,shielding her from every whip.With every strike,her grip around her daughter tightened.Olivia suffocated in her mother’s tight grip but was too afraid to let go of her protective embrace.Strikes continued until James became bored from his wife’s screams.He then decided to stop and have a comforting nap instead.

Ben gaped at the scene before him in total bewilderment.A woman dressed in white gown,stained crimson by the blood dripping from her back,stood on the ledge of the roof of a ten storey high building.For a moment he thought he was looking at a ghost and almost peed himself but it was New York city,it’s too loud for ghosts.In fact it was an actual human being,about to a plunge towards her death.What should he do?He was just a janitor,How does he stop a suicidal woman?!He can turn his back and just walk away,pretend that he never saw her but how can he let someone take their own life?!It was decided then,he would talk her out of this.

                                  Ben tip toed towards the woman, afraid that anything sudden can trigger her to jump.He had seen it in the movies,how a police officer or a negotiator would talk to the Jumper and get them to step off the ledge.He just had to apply that here.Not a big deal,it wasn’t like it was a matter of life or death.As he approached the ledge,he kept a safe distance from the woman, so that he doesn’t startle her.”Miss?” he trembled out the word.”Miss whatever it is,believe me,ending your life is not a solution” he said in a soothing voice,just like in the movies.All this time the woman was staring dead straight,he was not able to see her face but these words caused her to turn her head and he finally saw her.What he saw send shivers down his spine.She was beautiful,like an angel,there were some bruises too but her eyes….whoa they were something.They felt so empty,it was like he was staring in a never ending abyss.They were the eyes of a broken person,someone who had seen the bottom of humanity,someone who was stuck there for eternity.”Don’t worry,I am not suicidal. I’m just contemplating on my life” she finally spoke up in a calm voice and a genuine smile across her face.The smile told an other story.It was as if she had just found what her life goal was.Her eyes and that smile showed completely opposite emotions and it was so discomforting that Ben had to look away. “Not the best place to contemplate Miss” Ben pretended to look down the ledge so that he could avoid eye contact.”Do you have any children?” she inquired.”A son” he answered.”What would you do if he was in danger?”.Ben was confused by her sudden interest in his son but decided to play along. “Eliminate the danger of course” he said in a matter of fact tone.”Yes.Thank you.”Suddenly she stepped down the ledge,and started to walk towards the stairs.Ben was flabbergasted.What just happened?As he saw her walk away from him he wondered how can someone have such a graceful gait with that bloody back.”YOU SHOULD GET IT CHECKED” he shouted towards her,referring to her cuts and bruises but she continued to strut away.

In the lamp light,Emily studied her husband,who was now sound asleep.She saw the man she fell in love with ten years ago.Jet black hair,strong jaw line and razor sharp cheek bones.What a waste.”James?” she whispered but he didn’t move.”James?” this time she shook him,he opened his eyes and was immediately disoriented by the light.Before he could make sense of the surroundings,Emily lodged the kitchen knife,which was kept hidden behind her back, into his eye.There was a ‘POP’ sound and blood oozed out of his eye socket.His other eye was fixed on Emily,who was smiling maniacally.It started to twitch uncontrollably and blood started to drip in his open mouth.Soon he was choking on his own blood.Bubbles of blood burst from his mouth and tiny droplets landed on Emily’s face.He was making gurgling sounds while his whole body started to jerk.Casually, Emily took the car keys from the drawer,went to Olivia’s room,collected her sleeping daughter in her arms and exited the apartment.

Waiting for the elevator,Ben saw the same woman he met on the roof,leisurely walking towards him,this time she was carrying a little girl too.She stopped beside him and patiently waited for the elevator.The elevator dinged and both of them stepped inside it.She leaned towards Ben and whispered “Thank you”.